Choosing Grace Over Consistency
Before Anna was born, I remember people explaining to us that one of the most important things to do when parenting is to be consistent. Have a routine, be predictable and be consistent so that your baby knows what to expect and feels safe in the familiarity.
This made perfect sense to me. I like to be organized, I love to plan, I love to keep things simple, have a schedule and consistency sounded like an excellent idea to me. But when Anna was born, consistency didn’t work as planned.
I was going to breastfeed her every three hours and get her on a good feeding schedule, but when she started howling after an hour and a half and pecking at my chest, it became time to adapt and feed her when she was hungry or needed soothing.
We had a great bedtime routine with bath, lotion, rock gently to soft music, breastfeed and put to bed. But when she would perk up alert as soon as I placed her in her crib, wailing, I had to keep trying new methods.
I needed to learn to adapt quickly and figure it out, the only thing that was consistent was her changing and growing and having new needs and the only thing I could be consistent with was loving her.
In some situations grace and flexibility are more important than commitment and consistency. Has anyone ever told you that the most important thing is to be consistent? That you need to be completely committed to achieve the success you are looking for?
I agree with Aristotle that “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit”. When you want to achieve something, you often have a plan that will most likely be successful, if you do what you need to consistently and stay committed to it.
Every day we are all doing the best we can with what we know. As we know more, we will change the way we think and the way we do things. Now, almost 16 years later, we are still doing the best we can to love our teenage daughters with grace, patience and flexibility.
If you have teenagers, you may relate to this situation. Let’s just say you asked your teenage daughter to clean her room before she left to go to her friend's house. She runs out the door and cheerfully waves goodbye. A half hour later you walk into her room and the bed is unmade, there are clothes all over the floor and her half eaten breakfast is on her desk. You shake your head and are tempted to call or text her to get her butt home and clean it up now. You chose to let it go until she gets back, but you are annoyed that she didn’t listen and didn’t do what you asked her to do.
When she gets home it is late and you’re both tired. You tell her that you're taking her phone until she cleans it up. Immediately this causes resistance. Right now you have a choice, you could insist on taking the phone and insist on her cleaning her room without the phone, because that would be the consistent thing to do. You asked her to clean her room and she didn’t, you asked her to give you her phone and she resisted. So to be consistent and stick with your plan and what you said, you feel the need to insist.
Pause for a moment, and reflect on what is the most important thing that you’d like your daughter to learn. In the big picture, is it important that she understand that you are consistent and stick to what you say you are going to do, whether it is really a good idea, helpful, reasonable or not? Or would you really like to model the behavior of someone who listens, is understanding, flexible, adaptable, willing to change, be patient, make peace and have grace for others? That you are consistent when you’ve made the best choice, but flexible when it may not be the best for everyone involved? And are there times when you really just don’t feel like cleaning your room?
You could commit to what you said or you could let her know that you really would just like her to keep her room clean and if keeping her phone with her would be helpful to her, maybe you could come to a mutual agreement.
Now let’s say you are doing a detox or a protocol that involves a strict diet plan to help your digestive tract heal, to balance blood sugar and to reduce overall inflammation in your body. The plan sounds perfectly reasonable and you are determined to follow it exactly.
There are times when following the plan exactly is not ideal for you. Based on your unique needs and health history, doing this exact plan may increase digestive problems, skin issues, headaches and a variety of other issues. It is key to be aware and ready to adapt when necessary, and not stick to something when it isn’t optimal for you.
You may choose to have a glass of wine with some friends in the middle of the protocol and you need to remember to give yourself grace and continue to move forward on your path to better health. Sometimes enjoying that special treat in a happy and joyful environment with friends would be more beneficial than skipping the party and sipping your water or herbal tea at home to avoid the temptations.
As a coach, I want to help people be quick and alert to identify when something is for their good and it may be worth pushing through, when it is time to take a break and when it is time to head in a new direction with a better plan.
One of my goals is to help people to love themselves enough to choose grace over consistency, when it is for their highest good. It is not failure, it is not giving up, it may be doing exactly what you need for your healthy mind, body, emotions and relationships too.
On your healing and wellness journey, you’ll learn to adapt and figure things out. One thing that will be consistent is that you are changing and growing and have new needs all the time. The most important thing for you to be consistent with is truly loving yourself and those around you too.