Apologizing + Forgiving
“I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” - Ho’oponopono (Hawaiian Prayer of Forgiveness)
As soon as Kate was born, Anna was extremely enthusiastic about hugging, entertaining and playing with her little sister. Now fifteen years later, Anna and Kate love each other very much and get along very well, usually.
From the moment Kate was able to sit up, move around and communicate, two of my jobs were to be their referee and peacemaker. They could squabble over anything and they did several times every day. As soon as this started, I began teaching them the five steps of apology, which is similar to the Ho’oponopono (Hawaiian Prayer of Forgiveness).
Flashback to about thirteen years ago, where the girls are playing in their playroom. Anna is changing a baby doll’s diaper. She walks away to pick out a new outfit to put on her baby. Kate walks over, picks up the baby, hugs it to her chest and casually walks away. Anna returns to see her baby missing and chases after Kate screaming to give her the doll back. Kate clings to the doll and screams back. This is where I came in as referee and peacemaker.
Me: “What is happening?”
Anna: “Kate took my doll!”
Kate: “It is my baby!”
Me: “Who had it first?”
Anna: “I was changing her diaper.”
Kate: “It is my baby!”
Sometimes, I really didn’t know who had the doll first or who took it from whom. So I would request that they both apologize and make peace.
Me: “Kate, please apologize for taking the doll from Anna when she was in the middle of playing with it.”
Me: “Anna, please apologize for taking Kate’s doll when she wanted to play with it.”
Then they would take turns repeating the five steps of apology after me.
I am sorry.
I was wrong.
I shouldn’t have taken the doll without asking.
Will you please forgive me?
How can I make it better?
Then they would both say: “I will always love you and I will always forgive you. Please ask first and don’t take my doll when I’m playing with it again.” And then they would hug each other.
Now instead of dolls, toys, and princess dresses, it may be clothes, shoes and the bathroom. Just as I am writing this now, I hear Kate yell down the hall “Anna, come back!” while Anna is running down the hallway giggling. Anna had left the box of nail polish in Kate’s room. Kate had asked her to take it and put it away. Anna didn't feel like it, so she left it there in Kate’s room. I insisted that Kate ask in a nicer tone for Anna to please take the box and then asked Anna to do as her sister requested.
Every conflict is an opportunity to remind them to be kind, to be patient, to be respectful of each other's space and belongings, to be quick to apologize, to always forgive and to remember that we will always love each other no matter what.
Nourishing our bodies with whole foods and keeping strong with exercise and movement are foundational for our emotional, mental and physical health. Humbly apologizing and forgiving our loved ones is foundational for the health of our relationships. When we have healthy relationships, we can be healthier in every way.